If I dance with you, will you lead me?

I couldn't cover the black bruise that weighed so much attention. After helpless attempts to try to cover it up with skin beige powder I finally gave up and hopelessly looked in the mirror. Hopeless, helpless, ugly, and bruised...just, bruised.
I held back the tears that came from the innermost being of me. If I cried, the tears would ruin the countless hours I labored on makeup. I was fine.
I took one last look at myself in the mirror. My elegant poise engaged unity with my black sheer dress. My attire was faultless. My hair fell directly in front of my eyes just the way I hoped.
Yet, I still wasn't innocently elegant, and I knew it.  I couldn't seem to set my focus away from the black bruise that hit right in between my two collar bones, right above my chest, sitting directly on top of my heart.

This night was set up to distract me from pain.
I shoved my tears out of my system and grabbed my heels.
For this was the night I would dance my dance.

I entered into the ballroom. Gentlemen dressed in royal clothing respected my presence with a kiss on the hand. I made my way over to the dance floor and watched as the couples danced. I longed for the unity that took place between the dancers. It's like they were in each others brains stealing and progressing off of their partners thoughts. One would step and the other would follow without their eyes ever leaving each others.

I had to have it.
So I went to the edge of the ballroom dance floor and made myself available. If a gentleman would choose me, I would agree to dance with him.

In an instant I was escorted onto the floor. My heart raced in hopes that this dance would be everything I hoped for.

The Gentleman was slightly taller than me. As I placed my hand into his, he pulled me close. I started to dance. I got very nervous when my ability to communicate with what steps he wanted to take were not clear. I tried to connect my eyes to his but he would never look into mine. I proceeded to follow his lead by watching his feet. If his foot went back I would lean myself in. If his foot went forward I would make mine fall back. This worked before the tempo of the song started to progress. I declined. Without saying a word he escorted me back to the sideline and picked up another dancer.

I had to place my hands over my face in fear that people could see the pain that would be expressed out of my facial expressions. I walked myself to the ladies room and locked myself into the stall. I was beyond crying. I just stood there. No tears, no sobs, no sighs...just stood.
I once again shoved my hurt feeling out of my system and decided it was time for me to give up.
It was time for me to go back home. I walked out of the stall and looked at myself in the mirror. I couldn't grasp it, but my bruise was larger and much darker. It had grown. I felt hideous.

As I walked towards the door to exit, a man tapped me on the shoulder. I looked into his deep eyes as he pleaded a dance with me. If it were for another, I would not have agreed, yet he was different.

His hands were so large compared to mine. I felt like his child. As soon as I placed my hand on his, he grabbed it and pulled me in. As we waited for the song to start, my head restlessly began to lower to his shoulder. I just laid there, on his shoulder.

It was there, in that very moment, that every tear that I had shoved aside let loose. I let myself go in the arms of a stranger. In between my tears and over flooded emotions, I didn't realize that the song was playing. I looked around and I was moving. I was dancing. I couldn't believe how easily I moved in unity with this man. It was when I was in complete surrender to the joy of the dance when the man looked at me. In awe of his present connection with me, I asked him to explain his deep, sincere stare. "It is your big diamond necklace, It completes your presentation. You are beautiful."

The dance ended. The man kissed my hand. As he walked away from me he proceeded to tell me that he would never leave me nor forsake me. I will always unify your dance. It didn't confuse me.

I stood there, completely overwhelmed... Necklace? I don't wear necklaces, they bring more undesired attention to my bruise. I looked down towards my chest and found the most beautiful diamond necklace sitting right in between my two collar bones, right above my chest, sitting directly on top of my heart.

 My... bruise...was gone? My bruise was gone.

Waking up

I have so many songs on my ipod that every once in a while

I will be shufflin ;-)

and a song I've never heard

will play

This happened this afternoon. I sat in my car and played it again and again. It's the intrumental to "Waking Up" by One Republic

I Art You

My shame spiral: Start a painting,  wish I had more time to finish it the night before it's due, feel guilt because I don’t, start my next painting. 

I have a collection of paintings that remain against the clock or rushed... short on time. 

For example:

Here is my latest assignment. The proportions are all wrong and the basic drawing of it is awful but if we take away the still life (which is the beauty of painting) no one will ever know.

Hopefully, I can get around to finishing it.

Kisses aren't Contracts

"[Women are beautifully designed to give themselves completely - emotionally and physically to one man. And there is a deep need inside of them to be loved and cherished for a lifetime by the man to whom they give that gift. "Physical purity can not be separated from their emotions. It's a package deal." When women give themselves to a man emotionally, it leads to the next step... giving themsleves to him physically.]" 

My greatest desire is to verbally scold the subject of purity into words that will fully communicate the intensity my heart has towards it.

There is a period of time when a relationship increases severely in passion and sincerity both physically and emotionally. As soon as it is turned on, it is near impossible to self control your complete surrender to it. This desire was created in females since the beginning. It is such a beautiful gift that can easily become the greatest burden a women will ever bear. My heart breaks into pieces for girls that give love so easily to good potential. Some of the most promising relationships turn out to be a flash in the pan in the drop of a hat. The sincerity is the thing that tricks you the most. Nothing, not one thing that this world has to offer will ever make you feel as good as love makes you feel. In the same way, Nothing, not one thing that this world has to offer, will ever make you feel as hopeless that a lost love can make you feel.

In saying this,

I believe that when a women truly loves a man, a time arises when she has to evaluate if God is her first and most faithful love and hope. I hope to clearly communicate, without misunderstanding, that the role a man plays in a women's life is extremely intimate and irreplaceable. The beauty of it all is that a love that deep will never last in love that is not rooted in the very heart of God. When a women feels like it's a toss up between God's love and the love she has for a man, the most undesirable things are nearer than her mind could take her. Yet, when she knows the love of Christ first and she knows her role in him, love to its fullest blossoms.

“God cannot honor anything, no matter its degree of sincerity, if it is contrary to His Word.” (Leslie Ludy)

There is no sin or shame God does not have power over. God restores past mistakes to the fullest if we ask him. It is in this process of resoration where love that failed is overtaken by God's all powerfull love and grace. God sees every tear, he sees your very heart. He will restore you and give you your first love back.

So to my future husband,

Faithfully, I am yours
From now until forever
Faithfully, I will write
Write you a love song with my life
Cause this kind of loves worth waiting for
No matter how long it takes I am yours
Faithfully
(Eric and Leslie Ludy)

And I will look for the man that has God written on his heart.
"As I told her when we wed, I'd surely rather be found dead, than to love her more than the one who saved my soul." -Keith Green

Enjoy Now

Tal Ben-Shahar describes the "arrival fallacy," in his book Happier. This is the belief that when you arrive at a certain destination, you'll be happy. The arrival fallacy is a fallacy because, though you may anticipate great happiness in arrival, arriving rarely makes you as happy as you anticipate.

The challenge, therefore, is to take pleasure in the ";atmosphere of growth," in the gradual progress made toward a goal, in the present.

When I find myself focusing overmuch on the anticipated future happiness of arriving at a certain goal, I remind myself to "Enjoy Now" (The Happiness Project)

Here are very few things God has given me to enjoy now...

This baby should be sainted.

Her default mood is independent and happy.

And more than anything, she is the biggest fun-loving cuddly teddy bear when she winds down. There isn't anybody in our household that does not fight for her when she starts getting tired. Everyone knows how sweet it feels when a baby loves you back.

This weekend I was fortunate enough to go home for her birthday. In addition to hearing all the new words she has discovered, I was also able to see how her personality was maturing. Absolutely the cutest, most sweet baby I ever did see.

My sister is the best mom ever. There is yet another baby all of us cannot wait to meet.

Oh my goodness

Am I ever in love with my job

I was promoted to manager about a week ago.

Tonight shift was so enjoyable.

I worked very smart.

There was a weeks worth of inventory that needed to be be imported into files, so that meant

I was going to be locked in the break room the whole entire night.

A couple days before hand I found a small way to make the office a little more pleasant.

My mom found the best of all candle in the whole world "Love Spell Blossom"

so...As soon as I got a chance, I bought one for the office, for my bedroom, and a filter for my car. It's that ridiculously amazing.

So...

John Mayor sang to me

as I smelled the loveliest of all scents

and marked down 764 shirts 234 pants and 109 hangers

Here's a sneek peek of what I do.

...Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory. 1 Peter 1:8

Inexpressible and glory-filled joy? Yes, please.

I wouln't say that this is the most stable season of my life. I'm uncertain about things that could be more certain. I am constansly telling my emotions, desires and passions to come under the covering of the Lord. God is showing me how to praise him and appreciate the present. There is an abundance of joy that is always available in the prescence of God, No matter the circumstances. I will walk in the promises of God and wait for his leadership.

Make me and instrument

A Spoonful of Sugar

I attended an art presentation by one of the newest art professors. In thirty minutes she was able to paint the perfect picture of loving what she does. She allowed her students to detect her love for art without clearly stating it with her words. She had the very passion that I have been seeking in my art since the very first day I began classes. I have to do more than just get a degree. In order to credit myself gratitude I have to find that I am doing something interesting and worthwhile.
It didn't take me but an hour before I knocked at her door with this plee of help. She looked approvingly at my modest attire of a white blouse and floral wrap skirt as I sat down in her office. I silently hoped that this talk wasn't going to be another useless addition to the others collecting dust up in my brain somewhere.
She addresses my status. You love art, you love your classes, you love your professors, you love what God has decided for your future, but you don't want to work for it.
I was barely capable of holding in the deep sobs and hot tears that that statement provoked. Totally ridiculous! I work my butt off. Without a word from me she knew she had lost my desire to have a conversation with her anymore. In efforts to engage me back into the conversation, she went back to the beginning. You're good at what you do. She went on to say that God gives me the abilities but he doesn't pick me up and make me do them. I have to work for beauty and greatness. My work will only get better and better when I offer myself fully to God.
Then finally, it was evident to me that she was talking about my true desires and passions.
It felt very personal when she started using my name. Overall Kali, your one true passion is God. And that's your answer. Give Him back what He has given you. Kali, if you work to truly glorify God, He is going to give you more pleasure than the most excellent and beautiful precise piece of work will ever give you. You will see God in your work, and so will others. It's not about your pleasure as much as it is about your ability to work for the Lord. God doesn't hold back on pleasure but instead of finding pleasure in your talent, let it be offered from God. Enjoy the finish line enough to understand that you will not always enjoy the process of getting there. Is the difficult process worth the accomplishment and love of the end result? Free talent happens once every other perfect person.     

As I got up out of the chair I reached out to shake her hand in deep regards of gratitude. I left wondering through all the thoughts she left to race through my brain. There was so much beauty in that conversation. I so badly wanted all of that to apply in my life at the snap of a couple fingers. Although, the highlighted focus of this post is beauty truly doesn't come without work.

I'm mainly writing this so that when I feel tired and do not want to go through the process, I can come back and read this. That talk gave me the biggest spoon full of sugar I needed in my life of education and purpose.

I love the Lord
I love His purpose for my life
and I am willingly able to walk through the process of hard work for the glory of the Lord.
Let the people witness his joy.
Let the people witness his talents.
and Lord, let your glory be revealed in the hearts of your people.
Let all be willing.

School Day

I've been observing in a junior high art class which has been the best part of most of my days. My desire to teach & hang out with junior high kids & decorate my classroom & have teacher friends & wear teacher clothes & lalalalalala grows every time I observe. This morning, however, was absolutely the worst. Typically if I wake up late for something my first go to thought is to skip whatever it is I am needing to attend (in high  hopes I could just make it up at another time). This nasty morning didn't give me that option. I was teaching the lesson. It's not typical that I would be teaching at this point in my observation but my teacher is the absolute best & lets me do anything.

So, I wake up late, missed the makeup and shower ritual & went directly to my closet. I pulled on my black slacks and one of my blouses with  a hint of pink- an ensemble that highlighted my tired eyes. Even my fake polished everyday diamond earrings refused to give me a little shine. The mirror had no problem confirming on the outward how tired I was on the inward. Perhaps a colored scarf would boost my desperate need for attraction. In two minutes I was out the door. I ran to my car, spent 15 minutes scraping the ice from my windshield and silently mocked every person that was able to get through the green lights before me. I am not a weak multi tasker. I was stuffing down the most important meal of the day, reciting what I was to teach on over and over, and ignoring the teachers who wear yelling at me throughout the halls (because "Oh, I'm so sorry I thought you were a student") All at the same time.

I wiped away the breakfast from my face,  pulled my belt less pants to rest back on my hips and took a deep sigh of relief as I looked at the clock. RIGHT ON TIME. I opened the door and dropped my overload of books and sketches on my desk. Before I had the chance to look up, a strangers voice interrupted my thoughts. "Can I help you?"

There was a substitute who made clear that he "was not prepared for early morning visitors."
The kids were already coloring and set. Apparently, I was not mentioned in the subs notes.... so I sat there and watched the kids color a coloring sheet (which is something that my kids will never ever do).

The rush was entirely pointless. So, I went to the teachers lounge and got myself a cup of coffee, threw some makeup on my colorless face and went back to color effortless coloring sheets with the kids. I'm at the point were I can remember every ones names but that day... I got to hear a little bit about their lives.

The morning was not wasted.

pixels

Valentine

Tired of waiting on a man to come and save me.

Gotta get my act so straight so I can truly believe.

That what I’m waiting for, is really worth the wait.

I've learned from all my mistakes

Stop bringing myself down,

I gotta know what makes me great.

I’m going to open my mind to all these,

New found exciting possibilities.

Gonna grow up, Be someone.

Draw a map, find a path.

Take a breath and run.

(He is We)

Today was sweet. I had two classes, did some painting, and then ran away from campus. I drove around and around trying to figure out where I wanted to lay down the books.  It is unfortunate that classes still go on this week. I stopped at my most favorite coffee place ever (Starbucks) & sat & drank hot water (because of my juice fast) &  did homework & sat & drank hot water & did homework & drank hot water. It was very sweet to see how fast the coffee shop filled up with after lunch dates. While the couples exchanged sweet talking in their red and black dresses and cardigans, I sat still and admired it all. 

Late Afternoon

Something real nice happened. I got a text. It said... "Made a cheap deposit, Happy Valentines day" So....

I have absolutely no idea when I'm going to be able to wear this but I'm so excited about it. The most exciting thing about it is

IT WAS ONLY $34

I don't care if I have a valentines date

I don't care

I don't care

I don't care

As long as I can keep this dress forever & ever.

Then I came back to some roses and cards and cards and cards. For some awful reason my camera is not allowing me to upload all my pictures and I HATE it. My phone is getting older and older and it's starting to show. My best friend got me the best flowers in the whole world! SOOO sweet and I love her to death! This card totally touched my heart...

So then tonight...
I went back to the paint room.

TLC

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children, she didn’t know what to do so TLC signed her on for a 6-season reality show where she exploited her children and was later charged with child abuse for whipping them soundly before sending them to bed.

No pants/ No food

I know the picture quality is awful... My camera is getting ripped apart and put back together at the doctors office for canons. I should get it back very very soon soon!  

I have two goals for the week

1. Don't wear pants. 

2. Don't eat food.

I'm at that point in my wardrobe life were nothing is quite old but nothing is new. So, instead of spending money, I'm reevaluating outfits. This demanded a full night of accessorizing in front of the mirror but it turned out to be successful. After reorganizing, mismatching, and coupling up outfits that could and should never go together, I realized i had a couple dresses that have not had their appropriate wear time. So that's when I decided I would not put one pair of pants on this week (disregarding leggings and tights). I'm all about comfy comfy dresses for the rest of the week.

No food is a bit extreme for me (Probably not the only one). I'm not necessarily doing this fast for spiritual reasons but mainly to cleanse my body. I've been reading about juice fasting and how good it is for you so this week I put it into action. I'm on my second day and I'm surprised at how good I feel. Not tired, hungry, or craving anything....YET.

Both of these will end on Friday morning. You wanna know why? Because I will be traveling home to see the greatest people in the whole world...my family!

& I can't be on the road with a skirt and empty stomach now can I?

She & Him

Check List Saturday

Meet my neighbors. We like to eat brunch on February 11ths.

                                            After coffee, oatmeal, bananas and friends....

I got back to my room and almost started crying because I realized how much I had to do before the following week could exist. With the next week birthing into existence, I was in the most painfull part of the pregnancy. Here's the list I had visualized in my head before Monday...
1. Finish Spanish homework
2. Study for Spanish test
3. Finish three paintings
4. Clean room
5. Do Laundry
6. Help clean backroom in Gymboree
7. Go grocery shopping
8. Clean car COMPLETELY

Here's how I tick and do not tick.
1. I do not get anything done in my room.
2. I get the most done when I am alone.
3. I don't mind noise when I'm working.
4. Music with words distracts my thoughts.
5. I want coffee allot.

So, I had the most brilliant idea ever while I was brainstorming & making lists & freaking out. I figured if I cleaned my room and then went off campus TO DO MY LAUNDRY I would...
1. Have a clean room
2. Get my laundry done
3. Have time to study and finish work
5. Be by myself
5. Start sketches on my paintings

This is a picture of my shelf just because I like it.

So in conclusion,
I drove to Starbucks & picked up a coffee, went to the laundromat and got most of my list checked off. It was kinda fun drawing my sketches & doing my homework in there because every one stared at me while I did it. I had a side of people who thought I was absolutely the greatest (older couples who never went to school) & the other side whose way I was in.

Here I am
This is me
At the laundromat
I look like a troll

On the way back I picked up some groceries, gave a couple hours to gymboree and then put my clean clothes away. And that was my labor and delivery story. It's a beautiful baby I have here...she looks a lot like me ;-)  

The Value of His Prescence

By far the greatest gift ever received by us is the Holy Spirit Himself. Those who discover the value of His presence enter realms of intimacy with God never previously considered possible. Out of this vital relationship arises a ministry of power that formerly was only a dream. The incomprehensible becomes possible because he is with us.

(When Heaven Invades Earth)

It's bagel O'Clock

I get really overwhelmed with the same regulars day after day.  So on this very Tuesday I woke up with a strong desire to get far far away from campus. Likewise, so did this lady. Even if far far away is only about fifteen miles, it was far enough for us. We pulled into a bagel shop and the sweetness of the twinkle lights, choice of music, & guacamole grilled cheese on a bagel overtook our hearts. It's a new love, it's a new regular.  

Love DIY

These are valentine's for 'Pals' because not everyone in your life needs a 'romantic' valentine. These valentines can be made with photos of anything you can print off. No skills needed, because they are traced. here's how i made mine.... (I'm mute) 

I smiled the whole entire time I watched this video.

Keep Laughing

Warning: I'm getting ready to do that thing that proud aunts do. I'm getting ready to brag on my sweet little niece. After a while it'll be like, "yeah, yeah..." but then I'll keep going for that's my nature. I love her with all my heart and I can't wait to see her in two weeks for her big #2 birthday!! Here's the sweetest video of her laughing & laughing & laughing & laughing.

Hey Ray

I have a crush on someones voice. I get so weak when I hear him. We (his voice & I) shared a little moment today while I was eating dinner. It was fate. It made me blush & daydream about slow dancing under the stars...*sigh*

Easily Distracted

i am in love with miranda july's "handy tip for the easily distracted." being that i am one who is easily distracted, i think i may need to try this.