The distinction between the song and the action is crucial. When I lay my prayer and lift up my hands in time of singing and dancing as a total sacrifice to our God, He begins to show me glimpse of his mercy and compassion. Overwhelmed by the realization, I dance on the desire to run away from my anxious urges towards rebellion. I shout and scream and jump on the very face of the enemy that keeps me away from the most loving and faithful experience all of us deeply desire, our God... the one we play our instruments for and sing praises to His name forever and ever and ever and ever.
Then I walk out of the church were relationships battle my selfishness and good character clashes with my pride, when my anger competes with peace and when depression rivals the very joy that is always possible in God's name. I find myself daily competing with one of the most well knows worship songs
I will seek You in the morning
I will learn to walk in Your ways
And step by step You'll lead me
And I will follow You all of my days
This song has the purest and most wonderful strings of words, but words are so much cleaner than the process.
Will I seek you in the morning when my sorrow was so full last night?
Will I learn to walk in your ways even when they kill every bit of my fleshly desires?
Will I give you the place to lead me step by step when it's not the direction I want to walk?
Will I follow you all of my days even when I have the option to give my life to other things?
I greatly appreciate the admit to struggle when help is in the seeking. It is the most attractive thing to me. In my opinion, even the purest of Christians should have knees that don't feel at home until they hit the alter of repentance.
With that said, I need to repent.
I have an anxious urge to fight for justice in my life. Let me uncover anything attractive about that sentence...I have an anxious urge towards rebellion. Relationships are hard and ridiculous and sometimes they feel completely pointless. Here NOW, I am telling you, if I took some of my relationship issues to a judge, I would walk away in freedom with everyone on my side. For this I should be shamed. If I were seeking God this morning, He would have told me to bless those who curse me. He would have told me to love my friend more than myself.
My identity doesn't come from the lyrics of a worship song, it comes from the drive the song takes me to. I'm not praying for the desire to make you my identity, I am declaring that I will walk in full entitlement and all the responsibility that comes with being your daughter. For all you've done, and for all you are, I will adore you with my whole life. My legacy is clothed in your character.
I will sing to you all of my days
And when my actions fight against the words of the great songs of love towards You,
Lead me back to repentance as I meditate on your word
I will sing the song until the fruit is produced